Trust Issues

I heard from an ex today. I had him blocked on all my messenger programs but Gmail sometimes randomly logs me in to their chat program when my mail is open. Today was one of those days.

I'm not sure how interested I am in talking to him. We were together for a good eight months or so, though we always knew we weren't a good match. It was just a fun time that should not have gotten serious. I tried to end it a couple of times for a couple of reasons, unsuccessfully because I really enjoyed his company and he was willing to compromise on some things in order to make me happy. He had only ever had one girlfriend, and it was more of a friends with benefits type. His philosophy with me was: "anything to make Kaylen happy." And as much as I love that philosophy, it's not really healthy to be in a relationship with someone who subscribes to it. He would do things to make me happy in the short-term without thinking about the long-term.

We broke up because the girl he had a crush on the year before was moving to the city...and he invited her to move in with him. AND he offered to help her move across country. AND he told me that he wouldn't make her sleep on the couch if she couldn't move her bed (which coincidentally, she couldn't!).

So.....just after my birthday we broke up. We tried to stay friends, but I was pretty bitter about the way things happened. I didn't know they talked often, I didn't know she was really going to move out here, I didn't know he still had a crush on her, I didn't realize that he was willing to be with other women so easily.

It's hard to be friends with someone who hurts you. I care about him in a way, but in another way, I can't really be part of his life.

My very best friend is someone I once dated. We just didn't work out-I have no idea how long we dated, maybe a few weeks? Maybe a few months? We broke up and then went about 6 months without talking. Now we talk almost every day and there's nothing I wouldn't share with him. So it IS possible to be friends with someone you once dated...I think it matters how they treated each other in the end.

I suppose it's necessary to have a "cooling-off" period of types with someone when you first end things. It's been about nine months since I've seen this most recent ex, about 4 months since we've talked. I sometimes think about him, but I still don't have the urge to be his friend. He told me that I was the best friend he's ever had his whole life. I tried to be his friend after the break-up because I felt he needed me, and then I realized that he wasn't a friend to me by starting a relationship with another girl before we were broken up. So how do I trust in anything he said to me? Friends have to be able to trust each other somewhat. I'd love to be able to go back and have fun conversations with him online and share random internet stuff or talk about nothing at all and make each other laugh out loud, but I feel like I should reserve my energy and time to people who make a positive difference in my life, the people I think of as my "friends."

Trusting people is hard. I do it too much, and too freely. People should have to earn my trust, but I'm always giving them the benefit of the doubt. I try to believe that people are sincere and honest but it seems like more often than not, I am let down.



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