Genius Ideas

Wouldn't it be great if you knew that you were only going to sneeze a certain number of times your entire life? Let's say for instance that human beings only sneeze 5000 times over the course of their lifetime.

I sneeze about 15 times a day during allergy season (maybe exaggerating a little, but not much!). I would hit 5000 in approximately 334 days. How AWESOME would it be on that 335th day when I wake up and know that I will never have to sneeze again??

How great will that 5000th sneeze be? You would hear people sneeze and then start celebrating....passing out special gifts when they hit their 500th-kinda like a cigar when a baby is born (which is a ridiculous tradition).

Sometimes you sneeze and it just feels good-a release of pressure, the end of a sinus build-up. Sometimes sneezes hurt. Sometimes they are really inconvenient, such as when you just put something in your mouth and feel it coming on. Or when you are giving a presentation. It's just never a good time to sneeze. Sneezing sucks. And don't even get me started on how I feel about hearing "bless you" every time I sneeze!

Or wouldn't it be great if you knew your life was going to end after so many sneezes? Like, 500,000 sneezes and your body just shuts down. It would be hard in a way because every time you sneeze, you would feel as if you were just one sneeze closer to death. But---isn't that how life is NOW anyway?? Every birthday we have, we're just one year closer to death. **excluding unplanned for deaths of course, like car accidents, etc. But if you knew that you only had 10 sneezes left until your last day on earth, you could plan a bit and be ready for it, say goodbye to loved ones, prepare your finances, bungie-jump off the highest waterfall in Africa, sell your old furniture that your family is not going to want, tell someone you love them and tell someone else you have always hated them, etc.

It would be hard on the family though, knowing you only have 3 to go until they have to say goodbye. Everyone would always be on edge, waiting to hear Aunt Judy sneeze that last time, wondering if they will be there for it, scared they won't.

Or even better, what if your body is somehow in-tuned to your behaviors and does something similar, but just for certain body parts? Like once you hit another human being ten times, your hand falls off. ha, that would be awesome. Or if you kick an animal three times, you lose feeling in your foot for a month. If you use a racist term, you lose your voice for a week. If you shake a baby, you can not move your arms for six months. If you snort cocaine, your nose seals itself up for a month. Genius!

Oh--here's a good one---if you are overweight, by a medical standard, not by your relatives standard, your body can be programed so that once you hit a certain calorie amount in a week, you can no longer keep down any food. So if you eat your 13,300 calories in a week (that's 1900 calories a day for seven days) in the first four days, every time you eat after that, you just vomit it back out. OR even worse, you just FEEL like you're going to vomit it back (we don't want people thinking bulimia is okay). I'm not sure about the logistics of it all, but hello---GENIUS!!

Some may call me a genius, yes, but modest, no.

1 comments:

  1. Anonymous said...:

    YOU ARE RETARDED

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