Be Gone With Ye, Apocalypse!

If there is an apocalypse tomorrow, are you ready?

I am def not. I just cleaned my pantry and I didn't actually do any math or calculate the days, but I would guess I only have food for 2.5 weeks, if we eat only twice a day. That's if we have power for at least 20 min at a time, which we won't, everyone knows that the first thing to go in an apocalypse is power. And the gas grill is out of propane already so we can't even use that.

If I buy a bunch of food to store in the garage, and we don't have an apocalypse before the food goes bad, I'll have wasted all that food. And do I want to invest money into it on the chance that the apocalypse will happen before the food goes bad? Gambling isn't healthy, right? If I'm going to gamble, it's going to be in a smokey room where I'm offered free sugary-soda and where I have a very tiny possibility of walking out in a few hours with extra money. It just makes more sense to gamble that way, right?

And what if we have an apocalypse, but I die when there are major explosions and one of my neighbors stupid trees falls across my bedroom (where it's perfectly aligned to do so right now)? Then what good is the food in my garage then? Useless. Why should I be bothered to stock up on food for my neighbors to come steal after their tree kills me?

My coworker suggested it would be more economical and easier to just get a weapon-and store that until the apocalypse. And then I can just be one of the "it's you or me" survivalists who have to go forcefully take the stockpile from the neighbors. But I feel like I wouldn't be able to kill my neighbor for a can of tuna.

I feel like I should start brushing up on my nursing skills now. Cause when the apocalypse happens, ain't nobody gonna come to me to do any analyzing of their data. I have a very non-post-apocalypse career. I need to start figuring out what I can do that will have any value to people when money and computers aren't as important. I can crochet, not clothes or anything, just large rectangles- and people will need blankets. But it will take me about 3-4 months to make one, so I guess I should start now so I can start stockpiling my homemade blankets in the garage. Hmm...but then what if the tree falls directly on my blanket storage area....I'll just wait and see if the earth starts rumbling. Rollin the dice....gambling my life away.

gratuitous llama photo

2 comments:

  1. Brian Miller said...:

    oh poor llama...i had a bad haircut like that once...post apocalypse i will steal an ice cream truck so i have plenty to eat as i fend off the zombies

  1. unmitigated me said...:

    Just a can of tuna? It would depend on which neighbor. I'm not sure I have any marketable, post-apocalyptic skills. Damn.

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